Parents get ready for collegiate ‘empty nest’

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By Kay Luna | Tuesday, August 12, 2008 4:36 AM CDT | () comments

Chris and Rhonda Porter of Eldridge, Iowa, go through items that their son, Jordan, will need when he begins college next week. (Kevin E. Schmidt/QUAD-CITY TIMES) Buy this Photo

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ELDRIDGE, Iowa — Jordan Porter’s eyes sparkle when he talks about leaving for college.

The 18-year-old North Scott High School graduate is counting down the days until he leaves for Drake University in Des Moines.

So is his mother, but not with the same excitement.

“He leaves a week from Wednesday,” Rhonda Porter said Monday, her eyes turning misty as she smiled lovingly at her husband, Chris, and their youngest son. “It’s not going to be easy for me.”

This is a bittersweet time for many parents such as the Porters who face the same situation: Their children are moving away from home, especially those going to college.

For those dealing with what is known as “empty nest syndrome,” letting go and getting used to this major lifestyle change can be difficult.

But the process only gets harder when parents focus just on getting their children ready and not on preparing themselves, said Ellen Ritter, a family psychologist and certified transitions coach who leads an online support group at emptynestmoms.com.

“This is one of the biggest transitions parents go through,” she said. “There is a lot of black-and-white thinking, like this is the end. Really it’s not. Things are just changing.”

A lot of parents experience some of the same feelings when their children go to kindergarten.

Her biggest piece of advice: Don’t believe the role as parent ends when your child moves out. You will always be a parent, but your relationship is changing. That isn’t a bad thing, she said.

Instead of thinking only about how much they miss their children and feeling sad, parents should think positively and consider new ways they can spend their extra time (and, possibly, extra money, too).

“I think a lot of mothers spend so much time and energy going to soccer games and band concerts and raising kids that they never really take the time to think about what they want,” Ritter said. “I think that’s a big part of the transition, that lack of identity.”

It is also a good time to reconnect as a couple, she added.

Reinvigorate your relationship: Go out on “dates,” do the things you wanted to do but couldn’t when the kids were under foot, she said.

But expect to grieve for a while, she cautioned. A lot of parents don’t anticipate feeling as lost as they do for a while as they get used to the transition.

For Ritter, that moment hit her about two years ago — at the grocery store. She was walking down the soda pop aisle when she realized she didn’t need to buy any this time. Her youngest son wasn’t home to drink it anymore.

“I sat down and started crying,” she said. “It seems like it’s awful in the beginning, but it gets better with time.”

Accept that you will mourn, but don’t get stuck there, she added. If it becomes overwhelming, Ritter strongly recommends consulting a doctor.

Remembering that this is a natural progression in most people’s lives seems to help in the transition, said John Stachula, assistant psychology professor at St. Ambrose University in Davenport.

When he talks to parents at college orientation sessions, Stachula reminds them to acknowledge that it is not just a change for their children. Think about what this means to your life and talk about it as a family — before the big move — he tells them.

While parents are considering new ways to spend their free time, they also should talk about expectations for their evolving relationship with the children.

For instance, what should happen to the child’s room after he or she leaves? What responsibilities, such as curfew and chores, do you still expect him or her to fulfill when returning home for a visit?

Also, don’t forget to consider how the change might affect other siblings, he added.

“I think communicating about that before it happens can head off a lot of potential problems,” he said.

And another thing to consider: How often do you expect to communicate with your child after he or she leaves?

In today’s high-technology age, some parents want to stay in constant contact with their children through telephone calls, text messages and e-mails, “when perhaps their son or daughter would be better served if they didn’t,” Stachula added.

“Parents may still be taking an awful lot of ownership and responsibility for them,” he said. “It’s one of the challenges of our times.”

If all goes well in the transition, the relationship between parent and child can deepen with a newfound respect, he added.

The Porters agree; they experienced that benefit when their two older sons, 27-year-old Caleb and 26-year-old Seth, went away to college.

But this time, letting go is even harder. Jordan is the last “bird” in their nest.

Instead of filling their days with whatever activities he is pursuing, the Porters say they will face an eerily quiet house. But they also will have a lot more time to travel and work in their flower garden together.

“What’s going to help me is knowing how confident Jordan is about this next chapter in his life,” Rhonda Porter said. “He’s ready for this. That makes it easier, but it’s never going to be quite the same again.”

College start dates

- Ashford University, Clinton, Aug. 25

- Augustana College, Rock Island: Aug. 25

- Black Hawk College, Quad-Cities and Kewanee campuses: Aug. 25

- Eastern Iowa Community College District, Clinton, Muscatine and Scott campuses: Aug. 25

- Iowa State University, Ames: Aug. 25

- St. Ambrose University, Davenport: Aug. 25

- University of Illinois, Champaign-Urbana: Aug. 25

- University of Northern Iowa, Cedar Falls: Aug. 25

- University of Iowa, Iowa City: Aug. 25

- Western Illinois University, Macomb and Moline: Aug. 25

Kay Luna can be contacted at (563) 383-2323 or kluna@qctimes.com. Comment on this story at qctimes.com.