It would be barbaric to say this is the worst movie of the year. That certainly isn't the case.
"Conan the Barbarian" is, however, a second-rate remake, no more and no less. It's a far cry from the 1980s Arnold Schwarzenegger film. Even Conan's beginnings have changed (for the worse, in fact).
It's hard not to get caught up in any narration by Morgan Freeman, and, as always, he does a wonderful job at that. But about three minutes into the movie, as the savage hordes kindly fought around Conan's mother and his dad (Ron Perlman) to allow Conan to enter the world, I figured I would have a hard time buying the rest of the film. I was correct.
As an adolescent, the young Conan (played by Leo Howard) shows his innate dexterity for killing long before he's supposed to be carrying a sword. Then he is forced to watch as his father dies in a ghastly way, killed by a warrior (Stephen Lang) who is trying to find all the pieces of a powerful horcrux, I mean, mask (it seems as though everyone is collecting pieces of something in movies these days), find a woman of pure blood and watch his sorceress daughter (Rose McGowan, wearing Freddy Krueger-esque talons) scare the daylights out of everybody she doesn't slay.
Conan (now played by hunky Jason Momoa, who, incidentally, grew up in Norwalk, Iowa) grows up wanting to kill the man who murdered his father. Epic battles are waged while limbs, heads and a nose fly to and fro. Oddly, in this world, hands and eyes are good for one more twitch as the camera centers on the spoils of battle - eww.
You'll know right away when Conan meets a lovely young woman that the two of them will end up together. Very little of this is surprising.
The movie, which is overly long by at least half an hour, does have a nice look to it (and I have to say that I did not see it in 3-D).
I think Momoa might have a nice career ahead of him. He looks the part and plays it well. But this does not wield the substance its predecessor had.