Ben Cornish, someone should give you a medal. You’ve earned it because you single-handedly have kept “Scary Movie 5” from being labeled complete swill.
This franchise, which started out as pretty entertaining, has hit a low — or at least I hope it’s a low, because the thought of a sixth installment of even lesser quality disturbs me. It’s mostly people punching each other or being involved in sexual situations that, incredibly, did not earn this movie an “R” rating.
It starts out with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, whose characters are about to create a sex tape. When a demon possesses Lohan and kills Sheen, his three children are left alone. They later are found in a “cabin in the woods” and adopted by his brother Dan (Simon Rex, “Scary Movie 4”) and Dan’s girlfriend Jody (Ashley Tisdale, “High School Musical”).
The girls claim they were assisted by an entity known as “Mama,” which happens to be one of the other movies referenced here, as well as “Black Swan,” “Paranormal Activity,” “Insidious,” “Inception,” “Rise of the Planet of the Apes,” and even “Evil Dead,” which opened just a week before this film did.
Jody begins to suspect that some kind of demon is residing in her home. Meanwhile, Dan is employed by the Genetic Primate Research Center, where his discovery increases the intelligence of chimpanzees. He encourages the distraught Jody to try out for the lead in a local production of “Swan Lake” to get her mind off the goings-on at home. When she wins the coveted role, it angers veteran ballerina Heather (Molly Shannon, from television’s “Saturday Night Live”).
Crass and violent does not equal funny. Crass and violent, unfortunately, is pretty much all there is to this turkey. People punch each other constantly. A baby’s head is set aflame. A heavy-set woman is shown in a tight-fitting bikini. Sexual jokes abound, and I am unable to reference most of them here.
But there are a few fleeting moments of entertainment when Cornish, a Leonardo DiCaprio look-alike, appears onscreen. He absolutely nails DiCaprio's performance in “Inception.”
I’d like to see Cornish in another movie … just as long as it’s not a successor to this one.