"You're not a real journalist, Shane," they say. "You just write silly columns about the internet and your cats."
That changes today.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have a genuine scoop. Full on, no holds barred, stop the presses breaking news that could shake our fundamental understanding of the world.
Either way, I was up late last night riding out a case of insomnia by pointlessly scrolling through the TikTok app. Watching moron after moron lip-sync and dance their way to fleeting moments of internet fame. Then I found him — perhaps the most important human being on our planet today.
Except I have no idea who he is. No one does. All we know is his TikTok handle, @aesthetictimewarper.
If Mr. Aesthetic is to be believed we're in for a doozy of a year.
You see, @aesthetictimewarper claims to be a time traveler from the year 2714 who has come back to 2021 in order to, well, tell us stuff.
Seems super legit to me. After all, if you lived in a future world with time travel, what would you do? Go back in time, stop World War II?
Clearly the first thing you'd do is journey back to that one year when a killer virus plagued the earth and hop on a social media app to impress teenagers. Makes perfect sense to me.
If I were trying to scam the world into believing I was a time traveler from the future, I'd offer vague predictions that could easily come true. "Tomorrow, someone famous will die!" "Next week, a climate event will occur!" Then I'd find the nearest obituary and/or thunderstorm and go, "See? Heed my warnings, mortals!"
That's not how @aesthetictimewarper rolls. He goes for broke. Among his predictions on TikTok:
- On Aug. 3, NASA will discover a "mirrored Earth, with opposite everything, including physics, gravity, and motion." Umm, OK. If NASA discovered a parallel Earth, I don't think they'd announce it with glee. They wouldn't even put that in Area 51. They'd put it in, like Area 58 or 59 at the very least.
- On Sept. 14, "a Category 6 hurricane will hit South Carolina." This is especially impressive, considering there are only five categories of hurricanes. When someone pointed this out, @aesthetictimewarper revealed it'll be so destructive, they'll have to make a sixth category.
- On Feb. 22, 2022, "three scuba divers will find the ruins of Atlantis, along with fish-human hybrids." To date, there is no mention as to whether or not these fish-people pair nicely with a white Zinfandel and some tartar sauce.
Also, Bigfoot is real and lives in Brazil, underground worms will attack us next decade, humans will soon develop superpowers, and aliens called Nozics will soon infiltrate the U.S. government. I'm pretty sure the last one already happened.
As much as it pains me to admit, @aesthetictimewarper might be full of hooey. Then again, if I traveled back to 1850, people would think I was full of hooey if I revealed that one day you could watch strangers lip-sync and dance on your phone. Then they'd ask me what a "phone" was.
I wouldn't answer because I'd have already traveled back to the present. Time's a-wastin', and I've got an Atlantis Hotel to start constructing. Our restaurant will serve the best fried fish-people around. Senior, Nozic, and Sasquatch discounts available upon request.