After stuffing on a series of sugar treats one recent night, I asked myself: What am I doing to my body? I found to my sort of surprise that sugar abounds on my shelves, beckoning me to empty calories and sagging blubber that precedes me before I enter rooms. Indeed, the sag of shelves portends to sag me completely! My hoard of sugar-laden porn is my venial sin.
But I can seek remission and I do! I stuff all my precious, hoarded sugar into my kitchen trash can and run out to the Dumpster quick as a sugar high. Divine Dumpster and remittance of sin are in glorious view, radiating heavenly light. I must not waddle now; salvation is in sight! I kiss the lips of the Dumpster with slobbering passion. It glows under a numinous, ethereal shimmer.
I sacrifice my precious sugar to you, Lord Dumpster. No more sugar highs for me! I am high on you. You are my Sugar Redeemer and the Be-All and End-All of my diet that purges junk.